In recent years women have been working hard to achieve equality (to put it in more controversial terms to really rev up my comment section – feminism has been prevailing (!!!)) which means that women are now finally able to be successful lawyers, doctors, CEO’s, and presidents of America. Of course what goes with out saying is that one is only baptized a successful woman if they are skinny and or have good biceps (Michelle Obama). Don’t get me wrong, there is one exception…. Oprah.
I have accomplished a shit ton of things so far in my 20 years (albeit having a steady relationship hasn’t been one of them- but who gives a shit) , I’ve graduated high school, gone to university, and even made the Dean’s list, but my New Years resolutions, and SMART goals always boil down to the same ambition of eating less sugar, and doing more crossfit. Because lets face it in this day and age, what’s the point of graduating if you’re too fat to instagram your cap and gown pic?
Some people say, you’re only as good as your last hair cut, but the fact of the matter is, you’re only as good as your last juice cleanse. Women have proven they are capable of achieving academic and intellectual greatness but internal beauty and intelligence can only get you so far. Lets be real, nobody is going to know how smart you are if you’re fat and thus unapproachable.
What started as just an ambition, being skinny has now become an actual hobby, and for some people who seriously give a shit about their social standing , they’ve taken it on as an identity and in some severe cases, an instagram bio.
I hope this blog posts serves to bring awareness to those of you who are delusional enough to think that you can achieve greatness and success by eating solid foods, and not accepting your meals in the form of bottled juices. It’s best that you hear it from me here in this “safe space” that we, as women, are put on this world to be hot, brains are but a bonus.
So take my lead, and join me in what I’m doing right now; eating a large bowl of calorie free noodles (zeronoodle for reference). These fat saving delights come in an airtight bag filled with some sort of poisonous liquid that keeps them fresh for eternity! If that doesn’t scream health and wellness to you, then lets face it, you’re probably fat.
DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be satirical, however I’m not sure that I’ve quite mastered this writing skill yet so I apologize if I come off as a huge ass hole in this post. I also apologize if you are too stupid to understand that this post is sarcastic.