Side hoe: A position allocated to a girl which is neither a wifey or a girlfriend but a side dish like nandos rice
“Hey, look at those sidechicks Amy, cheyan tattendaa”
Being a side hoe is all any smart, high achieving, success driven young woman needs in this world of sin, and in this blog post, I’m going to teach you how to be the Side Hoe of your dreams in 3 easy steps!
Note: Being a Side Hoe doesn’t mean literally hoe-ing yourself around to boys who are in committed relationships. Jesus Christ have some self respect!!!! Unless the boy in question is like in med-school or practicing law, you should under no circumstances be hoeing yourself off or ruining perfectly good relationships!! Being a side hoe is a state of mind.
Step 1: Accept Rejection
The first step is obviously the easiest, and will likely happen without any effort at all. If you’re reading this blog there is obviously something seriously wrong with you, so I highly doubt any boy is likely to want to stick around. I personally have been rejected by 100% of the guys I’ve reached out to over the past few months. At this point I’m practically hoping for rejection every time I work up the nerve to text a guy, because acceptance would break my streak.
It’s been humbling to say the least. I used to be terrified of rejection, and now I am numb to it. I hope everyone gets to experience a two-month period where they are rejected by every single boy they have ever known!! Truly humbling!!!
After being rejected by your entire contact list, you will start to experience a fire in the pit of your stomach – commonly referred to as animosity. This feeling will cause you to be so bitter about committed relationships and cast a halo of hope around the idea of being a Side Hoe. Which brings us to step 2.
Step 2: Realize the power of the Side Hoe
The Side Hoe holds the up most power in the millennial dating world. Unlike the main hoe, the Side Hoe is on the same team as the boy in question. (Let’s not forget love is just a game ok). The Side Hoe gets to hear all the drama about the main hoe, and is sometimes privy to inside jokes with the boys, etc etc. The Side Hoe is like the chill* friend that guys would way rather be with than their annoying ass girlfriends.
Like I said, being a Side Hoe is really just a state of mind. You are a free woman and can freely spend your time focusing on friends, school, work and most fulfilling of all – curating the perfect Instagram grid without letting any dumb ass Y chromosome dick wad come in your way!! As a Side Hoe you will receive a small amount of attention in the form of snap chat pics and a handful of compliments here and there to get you through the week. As the world renowned John Green continues to remind us “We accept the love we think we deserve” !!!!
*Step 3: Allow your crazy to come out
It’s 2017 and playing hard to get is so two thousand and late!! HAHA. Being an absolute psychopath isn’t exactly a new endeavor for me, for my most received compliment since I got my braces off when I was 16 was that I was kind of hot but like really crazy. Boys are so sweet!!!
I often find myself agreeing to go out with friends only for the opportunity to get drunk which opens the flood gates to drunk texting/drunk calling. Which is pretty vanilla for me – child’s play really. I deleted a guy’s number to avoid the inevitable drunk calling but naturally am so psychotic that I memorized his number and called him two days later at A&W at 2am. I didn’t even realize how fucked up this was until I recounted the story to my therapist and the expression on her face made me realize that I was going to need to book about 7 more sessions.
As the Side Hoe there is really nothing to lose, so you might as well just let it all out. Step 1, has already made you numb to rejection so you have nothing to fear anymore and can just live your dreams.
The whole concept behind identifying as a Side Hoe is to change your mindset, and take your power back. There is no need to be waiting around for boys to text you, ask you to hangout, or profess their love to you. Fuck being chill – if you can’t beat em, join em!
Congrats, you’re officially a Side Hoe!!!!
If I was having a hard time finding guys before, this blog post isn’t really serving as a mating call but like I said I’ve had an astonishing rate of rejection over the past month so who gives a fuck at this point. I always preach the concept that you don’t need a boyfriend to make you feel valid but some instant gratification in the form of likes on this under achieving blog would be nice.
And one last thing –Don’t get upset, just replace he/boyfriend/boy/y chromosome dick wad – with whatever pronoun you god damn well please!
HAPPY SIDE-HOEING !!!